Treading Water Instead of Drowning

Sometimes when life gets challenging, when every day is a struggle to keep your head up, to pretend no one's ever hurt you, you tend to forget the beautiful things about life. 

I will be the first to admit to this. I have a bad habit of focusing on the negative, to look to the future with the wrong perspective and seeing nothing but darkness and hurt.

It's not a healthy thing to do. How can I expect to heal if I continue to dwell?

Simple answer: I can't. And I won't.

Life itself is beautiful.

It's people that make it hard, but it's our job to choose to see the good.

There is always something good about your day, no matter how hard it was, no matter how many tears have found their way down your face, no matter what, something beautiful happens everyday.

I find that dwelling does no good at all... It just makes everything worse!

I'm an absolute believer that everything in this life happens for a reason.

I just have a hard time accepting it's for the better when it's something I didn't want to happen.

But I feel every day getting easier. I find it easier to look away, find something else to think about, something new to laugh at, smile about, I'm realizing there is more to life.

Some of my favorite quotes that get me through tough situations:

"The wrong one is the right one to lead you to the best one."

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

"It's crazy right? To love someone who's hurt you. It's even crazier to think that someone who hurt you...

Loves you."

"One day, you're going to realize just how special she was. And when you do, she'll be walking hand-in-hand with the guy who already knew."

"No matter how badly your heart is broken, the world does not stop for your grief."

I'm sure most people know what I mean when I say, this week, I feel like I'm treading water instead of drowning in it.

Fake It Till You Make It

Sometimes... The best way to show you have undeniable confidence...

Is to fake it till you actually do.

This last week has been really hard.

After being with one person for so long... And then being thrown out with last week's news...

It gets pretty heart breaking.

But this will not be the end for me.

Some people get their heart broken once, and throw in the towel. They do whatever they can to keep other potential heartbreaks away. They throw away the chance to grow, to try again.

I really feel sorry for those people.

And then there's girls like me. Who try and try and try and try and put their hearts and souls on the line

Every. Time.

And every time, so far, we get our hearts handed back, with sometimes not even a "No thanks".

I will not look at this experience with regret. Because I know I put everything I had into trying to make it work. I gave all my efforts, I tried my hardest.

And that is not something, ever, to be ashamed of.

My soul is hurting, but it's not broken.

My heart is bruised but it's still beating.

I won't stop trying until I find the right one.

And then I'll try even harder.

Goodbyes

Well. I'm back. I've been gone a while I know.

My Senior prom was last week and I had a great time.

I felt so pretty that night!!

And then Spring Break...
I guess everything happens for a reason. So I found myself facing a goodbye...
A sunset is a beautiful thing.

But that's the miracle about sunsets. There's always going to be a sunrise, there will always be something beautiful next. I have to face the dark for a little while but another sun is coming just for me.

Over Spring Break I went and saw the ocean. Beautiful!

No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world won't stop for your grief.

You, and I, have to keep pressing forward. Keep hoping for a better day.

Because it will come. No emotion is final, no matter how hard things get.

I promise that this will be the last sad post. I'll have something happy to say next time.

Frenimies.

Once again it's been a while since I wrote anything... Just getting out of the habit I guess.

And I've been really busy with volleyball and track.

Pole vaulting is my new love. It's so much fun! Logan's been teaching me, or at least  trying to, and I'd like to think I've improved.

Volleyball is my other love. Sadly though I'm not very good at it.

And apparently some people have noticed...

I guess they see fit to encourage me with snitty remarks.

It doesn't exactly boost my confidence...

My name has been in a few people's mouths lately... Which is really weird for me because I'm not the kind of girl that gives reason for ridicule. I guess people haven't liked me before, but I never really noticed...

Until now. This situation is bothering me alot, there's no foundation for the dislike, it's an assumption coming from the mouth of a girl who knows nothing of the situation.

It's been hard for me to let this one go... I get my feelings hurt way too easily.

But there's always another day to set it right.

Always another reason to smile.

Always a new beautiful thing to appreciate.

 

It's a long road to getting over something that's hurt you... I've just barely started trying to get over it.

I was so busy wallowing that I wouldn't let myself focus on reasons why it shouldn't bother me.

For one thing, said person does not know me. And they do not know my situation, why I act the way I do.

I do not at all say I don't have any fault in this, because I do overreact sometimes. But, live and let go.

I've always had the talent of making friends with my enemies. I hope this time will be no different...

All I can say is, watch what you say and who you say it to.

People have the choice of holding a grudge or letting it go.

And sometimes they choose the less forgiving path. But eventually, that will be their pain to deal with,

Not Mine.

Trust and Dust

Sometimes things happen, and they're so unexpected, they leave you breathless.

These can be wonderful, beautiful things...

Or they can burn trust to dust, and tear a hole in your chest.

This happened to me this week. I won't go into detail, because that's not important. It's important to forgive and forget. 

But forgetting can sometimes be more difficult than forgiving.

I was thinking about what happened earlier, about how much it hurt to think about, and asking myself how I could ever trust this person again; pretty much just stewing and brewing over it, and not giving myself a chance to breathe. I was getting myself all worked up and angry, all over again, when the thought came to me: You are not perfect either.

Captain Obvious, right?

But this really hit home for me, kinda like a ton of bricks crashing over my head.

It startled me.

I started thinking about how many times I've made mistakes, and expected forgiveness.

Who am I to deny that to someone else?

So I promised myself I wouldn't dwell on it, or let it bother me anymore.

It's little moments like these that encourage personal growth.

Beaten, broken and bruised things can still make beautiful music.

Also....

My best friend, Courtney, has wonderful timing! Right after this happened, she came to see me! Drove all the way from Billings, Montana.

We spent Friday night together, and went to Panda Express (it's becoming a tradition everytime we see eachother). And just drove around together, singing and talking. It felt so good to see her!

We also went to the mall and visited Victoria's Secret. (I made Logan come in with me, "Be a man!" I said:)

That store has ridiculous prices! $5 for a thing of lipgloss!

And we went into one of those photo booth things and got some pictures. I love them!

This was our best one:

And the flower was from Logan. I feel like a diamond around him.

Today is also Sunday, so it was paint day.

I painted for three hours!! It was so great, time for myself just to think.

The paint did this by itself, and I thought it was just so cool!

And my many many paint brushes! I need to get new ones soon, these are falling apart. I kept finding little baby brush hairs in my paint. Not good!

I love love love painting. And photography. I want summer to be here so bad! So I can go outside for hours and just take pictures. Right now it's way too cold.

I thought this was wayyy cool.

Beautiful pictures, and I am very proud of my painting. Took three hours to finish it! I'm afraid to post it though... To me it looks like a three-year-old painted it, but because I know the effort behind it, I'm proud of it.