Mount Crumpit

Most people are aware that there are things not to say to certain people. For example, you don't tell a dirty, squawling, douche-in-the-making child that their negligent mother is going to be the leading cause behind every tried and failed relationship they ever try to have and they won't ever realize it until they go bankrupt trying to pay for therapy, (well you could, but then you'd be the douche and that rather defeats the purpose) and you don't tell a black person they are the trickle down effect of a guy called Cain who killed his brother and all the prejudice in the world is only in existence because their great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great X10,000 grandpa lied right to God's face about it.
(That's where it all started right? )

(Too soon?)

(Like blaming the Jews for killing Jesus and come on, we're all past that, right?)
I'm not racist. Calm down. 

Anyway, point is, there's just stuff you don't throw out. Negative vibes and all that. It all comes back. I believe that stuff you say does have an effed up way of turning into material consequences.

It's messed up, man.

To me, praying for stuff is like that.
You open your heart and give access to the one Guy that can make it happen. I'm going to rant here, and don't get me confused with a religion basher, I'm just saying you open yourself up to a lot of disappointment by saying a particular statement to the Great I Am. 

And that is this. 

Don't ever say this to God, ever. You can finish the sentence however you want, but this beginning statement you should never throw out for the cosmic powers to hear, and I'll tell you why: You will NEVER get it. And if you DO get it, it will be after you've banged your head on the wall over and over and over, wondering Why, WHY did I tell anyone, what good has come of this, all that self-pity jazz that we all love to entertain and tap-dance to every other second of the day.
After you go through all that, maybe, MAYBE, you'll get what you asked for.

The beginning, the killer line, the innocent, childlike, naive opener is this, and again finish it however you want but at your own risk:

"All I want is...."

(If you use your imagination you can possibly apply this picture to all my words.)

(If not it's okay, I do like mermaids.)

And that's it. You're done for. Screwed. Once that hits the atmosphere it's like the heavens release the proverbial Kraken on your literal hopes and dreams. Laying siege to your stalwart faith, flickering stupidly against the tempest. 

I've been trying for months, almost a year, to get out on an LDS mission and from the beginning I knew it was going to be hard. I had people telling me from all sides how difficult it is, how my faith will be tested but I figured, Hey I'm an alright girl, nothing too strenuous could happen right? I say my prayers, I got righteous desires, God's gotta honor them right? That whole, My will is Your will thing right? That applies to me? Cool. Getting on a mission shouldn't be a problem, it's the mission ITSELF I have to put in uber overtime prepping for.
Oh, my Lord, you have proven me wrong on that one.

So, and I remember the specific night I said it out loud, the forbidden words. I was having a rough time, my papers had gotten rejected for what felt like the 20th time and I remember saying out loud the phrase that would mess up everything:

"God seriously, just give me my call. Just give me my call and I can wait. All I want is my mission call and I'll be patient, I swear!"

At this point I feel like there should have been a .gif of The Grinch (Jim Carey version) in his big green suit waving his creepy green long fingers going "WRONGO!" and kicking me out of the cave on Mount Crumpit into the cold.

I feel like that would have been adequate warning of all the looming trials yet to come before I could be deemed worthy to stick a plastic badge on my chest and go out in the world and talk about Jesus. If I had gotten kicked out of a cave right then and there, and someone had yelled "WRONGO!" in my face, and I could have grasped the gravity of what I had just uttered, things would have gone so much smoother. 

And I'm lying, it would still suck. 

All I'm saying is don't ever get yourself stuck on, or fixated on, one thing that you think will be the bleach solvent to all your mud puddle problems. It's like that yoga quote about ego (I also do yoga, I know I'm amazing and multi-talented):

"Ego says: Once everything falls into place, I will find peace.
Spirit says: Find peace, and everything will fall into place."

That has been a huge blockade that I've been trying to scratch my way through, and I feel like my whole arsenal consists of a plastic spork worn to the nub, and my self entitled ego is what has been keeping me back. It's been exactly what I said earlier, "Once I get this thing, I'll be happy. It doesn't even have to be the whole shibang, I just want part of it."
Cue the "WRONGO" .gif.

Sometimes paths change, sometimes the huge, shining, glorious horizon you were crawling towards with all your strength goes dark. You get to have a really big WTF-ingF moment right there.

And then the sun rises again and everything is illuminated for just a few moments and you get to see a whole bunch of new stuff you didn't even think about before, hadn't even considered.

After hauling everything you had up Mount Crumpit to dump it, sometimes there's a catharsis waiting for you at the top. You get to have a "Maybe Christmas means a little bit more" moment. You get to lift up that huge burden of presents, gifts, goals, talents, trials, heartaches, hopeful hopes, and tentative expectations and scream for the world to hear:
"I GOT YOU CINDY LOU!"
.... Anyone following me?

Nut shell: Regardless of whether you achieved exactly what you went there for, you still get to be triumphant.

My mission hasn't happened and I don't know if it will. People (me) make mistakes, and consequences happen.
(Like the people in Whoville crying and whatnot. Suckers.)

But there's always that ride back down, that exhilarating rush that comes from seeing everything you missed before when you were exercising that tunnel vision we can be so cruelly blessed to have.
It's crazy.

I realize I probably sound like a spoiled child, whining about a present I haven't earned, but just try and suppress that urge to judge me. The last year has been a long trudge up a mountain I barely understood, with rocks that had the words "YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHY LATER" and "THIS IS GOOD FOR YOU" stamped on the front, and they've been thrown so hard into my face I'm spitting all sorts of inspirational quotes I barely believe anymore.

But here I stand, possibly at the top- probably not- but here I stand with a view that finally satisfies my need to understand WHY. And that's worth a lot to me. Maybe someday I'll totally get why I wasn't ever good enough, even when I was at my very best, the best I'd ever been, personally, spiritually, emotionally, to share with other people the love that still encourages me every day, even now, to try again.
God is good.
He's just so infinitely, mind-blowingly, so beyond my understanding Good that my brain doesn't perceive it as good. I'm like a basic kid that's getting disciplined for something I thought was totally natural, like wiping my nose on somebody because I didn't want it on my clothes, or farting in public because my stomach hurt and I knew it would make me feel better. Kids have to be reprimanded, you know?
As a parent you've gotta show 'em who's boss. Am I right?

I have a blog?

I totally forgot about this thing. So, of course when I finally remember I have a blog, and pointless, teenage yammerings (last post was 2 years ago, be gentle) floating out in the Interweb somewhere, I have to try and redeem myself by writing something totally cool and significant to cancel out all the tripe I've posted before... 

I got nothin'. 

Maybe I'll write here more often. I promise I have more positive things to say, and it's not going to be all about boys. (I still think they're cute though.) 

Too bad I'm not.

 Some embarrassing photos of me and my cousin to please the Blogger Gods. 

Yup, same cousin from all my previous blogs. She's a graduated woman now! (If the blue gown wasn't a giveaway, she's on the left.) 

It's so weird to see her graduated. She's still a baby! 

I look at her now and see so many similarities of me when I first graduated. 

Huge head, thought I owned the world and it owed me something, not a clue what it meant to be financially stable, in the sense that I would have to actually WORK for it. 

Mommy and Daddy ain't takin' care of us no mo'! I learned it, she's learning it, and it's so hard to see her walk the same path I did. I want to just tell her what to do, because I KNOW she'll be happier if she just DOES what I SAY, because I've BEEN there and it SUCKS. 

But...

She's a teenager. Unlike me anymore. (I've grown so wise) So she will have to learn for herself. It's just hard to see someone you love struggle. It's hard to see them inflict unnecessary hurt on themselves, in the name of 

"fun".

Fun. What is fun? Well, fun is fun when it's fun, but when the fun is said and done, the fun ain't so fun, and fun can turn into some lonely days that no amount of company can cure.

Too soon? Am I getting too deep here for the first post in 2 years? Probably. 

Just some thoughts that plague my mind... I feel like Gandalf. Most likely because it is 4 in the morning and I'm writing a blog that no one will probably ever read, and Gandalf kind of went through that, except he didn't have a blog, he had dwarves that didn't listen to him and a bunch of stupid elves that thought they ran shit, and cuz of that Mordor almost took over everybody and Frodo lost his finger. All cuz no one listened to Gandalf. Also, Merry was a friggin' retard. Years after the movie is said and done I watch that scene where he tries to take that ball thingy and talk to Sauron, and I get pissed. 

I'm just saying, bad things happen when you don't listen to wise people. 

Gandalf was wise. No one listened. Shit got real. 

I am.... not so wise. But I have things to say! 

No one listens.

Nothing happens. 

Hola! 

it has been a while, but it feels good to be writing again. My goal for the next couple months is to find seemingly-worthy topics to talk about. 

So catch up time? 

I was living in Jackson Hole, WY for almost 2 years, and granted it's my idea of heaven, it's a very expensive heaven and also the perfect distraction from what I actually want to do with my life. 

But it is still heaven. I learned to snowboard there, and ya'll can call me a newb or noob, or however you trolls out there want to spell it, but I can shred some minor gnar. 

The people there are somewhat ridiculous though, you wouldn't believe how many rich snobs live in a quiet ski town. 

(Que the "duhhh".) It's quite upsetting at times. 

I spent most of my time working, and the last 6 months of my residency I was employed at a grocery store. Go ahead and snigger at my 'misfortune', but it actually wasn't so bad. 

Except for the rich snobs. And the dumbasses. Working in a grocery store made me acutely aware of exactly how long-gone common sense is. Sadly. 

I had one lady, on my first or second WEEK as a checker, throw an absolute fit because she had to bag HALF of her groceries. This is the kind of woman who is well into her thirties, maybe even beginning the next adventure of her forties, dressing like she's blessed enough to still be occupying her early twenties. 

I don't mean to sound rude but this woman was the fitting image of someone you just want to stuff full of cotton and light on fire. 

Oops, sounded rude again. I realize that isn't exactly 'kosher professional' in a work setting but Jackson is an extremely laid back town. Even the managers are a little more down to earth than you would hope for. The people in Jackson who don't have their heads lost up in their, ahem, NORMAL, HAPPY people in Jackson are some of the best people you will meet. 

Anyway, she was making a comment that were a lot of people talking about going on breaks and such and not enough people working. My Irish temper got the better of me and I snipped back, "We work a lot harder than you might think," and she quipped the epic lie, 

"I work 12 hours a day."

"Tanning?"

Silence. 

Later my manager came up to me with tears in his eyes from laughing, "She called you a bitch and requested your termination but I told her you were one of our best checkers." 

Priceless. 

Realization

So true. After I read this I immediately started noticing ads like in magazines and everyone looks so sad....

I'm starting to notice a few things in my life and a few things need to change.

One, I need to remember that if someone is not going to make an effort to be in my life, there's no point in trying to make them stay.

Two, sometimes the best way to get someone's attention is to stop giving them yours.

Three, there is absolutely NO POINT in getting upset over the way someone is. Their genetic make-up is binding. There is no breaking it, or changing it. If they're programmed to be a jerk, brace yourself, because they're not changing.

Four. The best way to have confidence is to act like you do, until you actually get it.

I'm getting so philosophical.

Days Off

I love days off! I get two in a row weekly, it's absolute heaven, it's like my weekend.

Except my days off are Sunday and Monday. So it's like a weird, backwards weekend. But heaven all the same. I took the opportunity of my Monday off and walked around Jackson, I'm pretty sure I've seen every art gallery in town, every photography gallery, every sculpture gallery, every painting gallery, all of them.

But the beautiful thing is, I never get tired of it. Ever.

I walked into this particular gallery earlier, and I just had to giggle out loud out of sheer excitement. I was so happy to be there, right in that spot, that moment, I was totally content with where I was.

It was then I decided that art is what I want to do in life.

Especially photgraphy. I get so discouraged with my paintings and drawing, sometimes I really feel like throwing in the towel, and saying it's not for me.

But art is something I want to do. I want to be good at it, I want to be creative, I adimire those who can just create with their hands an idea that's in their minds.

I guess practice, practice, practice right?

I really, really love Jackson at night. It would be funner if more stores were open, cuz everything shuts down at 9 p.m or sooner, except like two or three stores. One of which is my own store, we close at 10 p.m.

But Jackson is gorgeous at night.

Lights.

I want to go hike to the top of that hill like I did on the 4th of July, just so I can see the lights.

So, today, I went tubing down Flat Creek.

My roommate had gone a few days ago and she came back with scrapes and bruises and horror stories, and so when I got invited to go today I was expecting exciting, adrenaline-inducing rapids the size of King Kong and exotic water pythons that could crush a grown man's skull, but instead...

I got a few low bridges, cold water and sore arms from trying to stay away from trees. 

Oh, and a sunburn that puts a tomato to shame.

Don't get me wrong, it was way fun. But not as exciting as I thought it would be.

There were a couple of drops though, but nothing to get too frightened over... Just very wet.

Afterwards, some of us went to get Thai food!

Leandro and Santiego. (I call him San-chago.)

Leandro is from Brazil. He's got the accent and everything, I think it's great.

San-chago is from.. Brain fart. I can't remember... It starts with an O... Or a B... It's not Boston... It's somewhere hot. And it's foreign. He's got an accent too.

Wow, that's really going to bug me. I can't remember where he's from...

Oh well. I'll remember. Eventually. 

Well, anyways, we went and got Thai food. It was yummy, I think it was the first time I ever had Thai food.

I was impressed. 

I had some noodle thing with peanuts in it, and a tortilla thing with salad stuff in it.

I love my descriptions, don't you?

I went and explored a thrift store today as well. I wasn't very impressed with it...

I'm a thrift store lover. I'd pick a thrift store over a mall any day. Any. Day.

But I did get like five new books, including a Calvin and Hobbes comic book! I love Calvin and Hobbes, oh goodness they make me laugh. They're so evil, it's funny.

I pray I don't get a child like that, because that would be karma right there. I drove my parents insane.

I was a sassy child. Still am, but that's beside the point.

 I remember countless lectures from my father on how I needed to "change my attitude", and quit rolling my eyes all the time and I still haven't grown out of that one, but I like to think my attitude has improved a little.

Well.. Probably not.

Oh days off are a gift from God. Tomorrow is back to work, but I'm not really complaining, I like my job.

Or rather, the people that come with the job that make it worthwhile and fun.